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Lazarus

by Endless Forms

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1.
I want to reset the bone, I want to be right. But what will I do without my fear to die? The reason I can’t sit in the silence alone Is fear of what I might lose if I find the light I say I hate it But I know I’m the one who’s keeping it here I say I’m jaded But I’m creating the cloud that’s creating my fear What do I do with these dreams Where I push you back when you comfort me? I know I want just to be seen But I get so scared when you see me on the brink I say I hate it But I know I’m the one who’s keeping it here I say I’m jaded But I’m creating the cloud that’s creating my fear I don’t see where to step With my head in the clouds But the ground is so gray So I put my pain on the shelf At a Catch-22 I keep a secret from myself
2.
All of my old friends are drifting away What you leave to the wind finds a way to fade You may not know what to do But choosing not to choose Doesn’t stop the change Sometimes I get so afraid Of losing my faith As if my grip would slip As if the truth’s only true If I believe in it I’m curling into crescent I can’t crystallize time When I start to feel the dimming light I think of my mother singing Silent Night As I fall asleep Hoping not to dream That I’m underneath the waves I’m curling into crescent I can’t crystallize time
3.
I wasn’t trying to be difficult When I collapsed on the floor and couldn’t get up I don’t know if I can bear this cup I don’t know how long I can keep sweating blood I’m getting tired Of being old for my age The light burns like a fire When I’m up on this stage. Why do so many girls seem to asking If I’m willing to commit suicide for my family? As if it’s not love if I can’t pay the price As if I’m not like Christ if I don’t hate my life What if I’m real? What if it’s not a pull? What if I’m not a steal? What if I’m hatable? How could I dare to write a poem If I can’t pay the mortgage on my home? How could be concerned about my soul If I’m not filling the masculine role? “Honey, making art? Honey, how could you sleep? Your behaving like a child With children to feed.” Why is no one impressed Until I turn around with my paycheck? Until I pay my bills and can afford To not need anyone else anymore Do you even care If I die inside Or do you just want A responsible family man’s respectable life? I always wanted to be like Christ But I can’t live my life on the firing line I always wanted a family to feed But I’m not gonna burn my poetry I always wanted a wife to adore But I won’t die up on this white horse I won’t give up the ghost I won’t abort my unborn soul
4.
Being Born 04:44
To feel a frigid air hit my lungs To lose my mother’s care all at once To cry’s the only way to open my lungs No one asked me if I was ready for the plunge The light is a little too bright for my eyes And I shut my lid so tight Is sight really on the other side? I’m being born Cutting the cord The world is so cold The womb was so warm I’m being born Torn from the shore The tide is so much higher than before I’m being born Poured into the sea I’m in the belly of a whale I’m waking from a dream The dam it breaks so fast Before I am off of my knees Just look at me one minute As though you really saw me For just a moment we’re all together For just a moment we’re all happy. I see you in the sundress I hear you in the trees You’re in the air that I breathe, I take you when I leave I cry you when I weep; I dream you when I sleep
5.
I really didn’t mean For it to fall apart I tried not to tell the truth But I couldn’t play the part I really didn’t mean For it to end like it did I was full of good intentions But I was losing my shit Still I wait to wait to let you in I’m naked on a pinnacle in the wind I tremble, I hide For my catcher in the rye I'm sick of running toward that cliff I'm tired of trying not to cry I'm scared; I try To find my reasons why I feel compelled to look away When I get a tear in my eye When will I be old? When will I be sober? Have much disappointment do I need Before I trust what I think I see? Have I been heartbroken enough To know when love is really love? Have I doubted myself enough To call my own bluff? Still I wait to try my hand I’m still a critic in the stands I feel I'm ready, but I don't know If I'm bulletproof enough for the blow I'm tired of the taste Of cynic's spit in my mouth There's never enough dopamine in a day To know exactly how I'll make it out I tell myself that I'll leave today Tomorrow I'll figure out how
6.
I'm living in unfinished love In an unfinished world I've been waiting on some certainty To make my decisions for me I'm feeling uncompleted grace A room-temperature flame A quiet murmur in the night A sky polluted by the light I caught a glimpse in some sacred dream But the images escape me in my waking I have a memory of a mother tongue That I've forgotten how to speak A form too deep beneath the sea It's all so uncontained The paint's running off the frame My deep convictions can't be proved But deep magenta has me moved A mystery you suddenly see But quickly blurs You call and hear an answer But it's a slur I caught a glimpse in some sacred dream But the images escape me in my waking I have a memory of a mother tongue That I I've forgotten how to speak A form too deep beneath the sea Why would I want to go to heaven If there’s nothing there left to give? I would rather be forgiven Than to live in a perfect world Why would I want to finish the feeling Of human caring – that is to live?
7.
We go to sleep Without a dream We blur the line Between living and dying We take a sacrament and make it horny We’re in the wedding, but we’re the bachelor party We’re laughing about a speechless thing We close our eyes to relieve the sting But I can’t keep hiding From the hound of heaven I lost my head when You saw the look on my face Of true heartbreak And your eyes glazed over I was asking myself If the world recovers We’re reality TV; museums of wax We give a shape to shit and we call it craft I feel lonely in my doubt that ignorance is bliss I’ve been killing conversations talking about groundlessness We’re white-washed tombs, but we’re good at distracting Ourselves from the show we insist to act in I’ve been using a smile to conceal The fear of feeling what no one else feels But I can’t keep hiding From the hound of heaven I lost my head when You saw the look on my face Of true heartbreak And your eyes glazed over I was asking myself If the world recovers
8.
There’s so much time For the quiet There’s so much time To let the moment die There’s so much time To recognize I’ve lost so much time That I tried to petrify There’s so much time To be still But I spend my moment spoken To keep from feeling unfulfilled There’s so much time To let you see The bruisable parts of me How unindifferent I really feel The moment of my peace Is never complete But hummingly resigned Non distinct in a chorus with other minds The question never quits The answer never ends A star dies overnight To recollect in a million lifetimes There’s so much time for the quiet But I find a sea inside my peace of mind I hear the humming Of that incessant something Do we ever realize life while we live it? Every minute to be alive; to spend and waste time
9.
Reanimation 04:25
My end and my essence What when the light leaves my eyes? What of me without my pain? What does it mean to reanimate? Can a painting exist without its paint? Me and meanness I go as long as I can before I submit To the truth that I know but won’t admit Though I try I can’t escape The allegory of a cave Will some book ever close? And reach the last refrain Where I wax and wane Or remain the same; Return to the ocean Fan into flame I may be Just a bitch in heat But I’ll spend my blood On a baby not yet there In hope I can conceive Will some book ever close? And reach the last refrain Where I wax and wane Or remain the same Return to the ocean; fan into flame The wild thyme unseen The opaque unease If to be warmed, I must freeze In my end is my beginning Reanimation’s the death of me Not lost, but requiring
10.
I don’t know why I believe That the world without a man Would still have the look Of being looked at If all the ground is flesh And ocean is your blood I always knew you But I don’t think I understood I’m a landlocked conch shell Carrying the sound of the waves, I hear the ocean in myself But I can’t reach the place That always led me on For proof of the dawn I could never find During the night I die to find your face I try to defy your grace The higher the climb The higher the ledge The more I give The sweeter the death What if I told you The same Lazarus Christ resurrected Had died again? Would being here at all Be all you needed all along Or would you still require Some greater miracle? So now I know the price of love: A descending dove That always leads to a death To reveal life to live But brings me back to the thought Of if I’ll be caught when I fall Of if my wonder outweighs My desire to escape my pain I die to find your face I try to defy your grace The higher the climb The higher the ledge The more I give The sweeter the death

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released October 16, 2015

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Endless Forms Tulsa, Oklahoma

Endless Forms is the dream pop music of Justin Allen. It's big. It's subtle.

www.endlessformsmusic.com

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