Lazarus

by Endless Forms

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credits

released October 16, 2015

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Endless Forms Tulsa, Oklahoma

Endless Forms is an Ambient Chamber Rock band from Tulsa, OK.

www.endlessformsmusic.com

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Track Name: Reset the Bone
I want to reset the bone, I want to be right.
But what will I do without my fear to die?
The reason I can’t sit in the silence alone
Is fear of what I might lose if I find the light

I say I hate it
But I know I’m the one who’s keeping it here
I say I’m jaded
But I’m creating the cloud that’s creating my fear

What do I do with these dreams
Where I push you back when you comfort me?
I know I want just to be seen
But I get so scared when you see me on the brink

I say I hate it
But I know I’m the one who’s keeping it here
I say I’m jaded
But I’m creating the cloud that’s creating my fear

I don’t see where to step
With my head in the clouds
But the ground is so gray
So I put my pain on the shelf
At a Catch-22 I keep a secret from myself
Track Name: Curling into Crescent
All of my old friends are drifting away
What you leave to the wind finds a way to fade
You may not know what to do
But choosing not to choose
Doesn’t stop the change

Sometimes I get so afraid
Of losing my faith
As if my grip would slip
As if the truth’s only true
If I believe in it

I’m curling into crescent
I can’t crystallize time

When I start to feel the dimming light
I think of my mother singing Silent Night
As I fall asleep
Hoping not to dream
That I’m underneath the waves

I’m curling into crescent
I can’t crystallize time
Track Name: Sweating Blood
I wasn’t trying to be difficult
When I collapsed on the floor and couldn’t get up
I don’t know if I can bear this cup
I don’t know how long I can keep sweating blood
I’m getting tired
Of being old for my age
The light burns like a fire
When I’m up on this stage.

Why do so many girls seem to asking
If I’m willing to commit suicide for my family?
As if it’s not love if I can’t pay the price
As if I’m not like Christ if I don’t hate my life
What if I’m real?
What if it’s not a pull?
What if I’m not a steal?
What if I’m hatable?

How could I dare to write a poem
If I can’t pay the mortgage on my home?
How could be concerned about my soul
If I’m not filling the masculine role?
“Honey, making art?
Honey, how could you sleep?
Your behaving like a child
With children to feed.”

Why is no one impressed
Until I turn around with my paycheck?
Until I pay my bills and can afford
To not need anyone else anymore
Do you even care
If I die inside
Or do you just want
A responsible family man’s respectable life?

I always wanted to be like Christ
But I can’t live my life on the firing line

I always wanted a family to feed
But I’m not gonna burn my poetry

I always wanted a wife to adore
But I won’t die up on this white horse

I won’t give up the ghost
I won’t abort my unborn soul
Track Name: Being Born
To feel a frigid air hit my lungs
To lose my mother’s care all at once
To cry’s the only way to open my lungs
No one asked me if I was ready for the plunge

The light is a little too bright for my eyes
And I shut my lid so tight
Is sight really on the other side?

I’m being born
Cutting the cord
The world is so cold
The womb was so warm

I’m being born
Torn from the shore
The tide is so much higher than before

I’m being born
Poured into the sea
I’m in the belly of a whale
I’m waking from a dream

The dam it breaks so fast
Before I am off of my knees

Just look at me one minute
As though you really saw me
For just a moment we’re all together
For just a moment we’re all happy.
I see you in the sundress
I hear you in the trees
You’re in the air that I breathe, I take you when I leave
I cry you when I weep; I dream you when I sleep
Track Name: Naked on a Pinnacle
I really didn’t mean
For it to fall apart
I tried not to tell the truth
But I couldn’t play the part

I really didn’t mean
For it to end like it did
I was full of good intentions
But I was losing my shit

Still I wait to wait to let you in
I’m naked on a pinnacle in the wind
I tremble, I hide
For my catcher in the rye
I'm sick of running toward that cliff
I'm tired of trying not to cry
I'm scared; I try
To find my reasons why
I feel compelled to look away
When I get a tear in my eye

When will I be old?
When will I be sober?
Have much disappointment do I need
Before I trust what I think I see?

Have I been heartbroken enough
To know when love is really love?
Have I doubted myself enough
To call my own bluff?

Still I wait to try my hand
I’m still a critic in the stands
I feel I'm ready, but I don't know
If I'm bulletproof enough for the blow
I'm tired of the taste
Of cynic's spit in my mouth
There's never enough dopamine in a day
To know exactly how I'll make it out
I tell myself that I'll leave today
Tomorrow I'll figure out how
Track Name: Unfinished Love
I'm living in unfinished love
In an unfinished world
I've been waiting on some certainty
To make my decisions for me

I'm feeling uncompleted grace
A room-temperature flame
A quiet murmur in the night
A sky polluted by the light

I caught a glimpse in some sacred dream
But the images escape me in my waking
I have a memory of a mother tongue
That I've forgotten how to speak
A form too deep beneath the sea

It's all so uncontained
The paint's running off the frame
My deep convictions can't be proved
But deep magenta has me moved

A mystery you suddenly see
But quickly blurs
You call and hear an answer
But it's a slur

I caught a glimpse in some sacred dream
But the images escape me in my waking
I have a memory of a mother tongue
That I I've forgotten how to speak
A form too deep beneath the sea

Why would I want to go to heaven
If there’s nothing there left to give?

I would rather be forgiven
Than to live in a perfect world

Why would I want to finish the feeling
Of human caring – that is to live?
Track Name: Hound of Heaven
We go to sleep
Without a dream

We blur the line
Between living and dying

We take a sacrament and make it horny
We’re in the wedding, but we’re the bachelor party
We’re laughing about a speechless thing
We close our eyes to relieve the sting

But I can’t keep hiding
From the hound of heaven
I lost my head when
You saw the look on my face
Of true heartbreak
And your eyes glazed over
I was asking myself
If the world recovers

We’re reality TV; museums of wax
We give a shape to shit and we call it craft

I feel lonely in my doubt that ignorance is bliss
I’ve been killing conversations talking about groundlessness

We’re white-washed tombs, but we’re good at distracting
Ourselves from the show we insist to act in
I’ve been using a smile to conceal
The fear of feeling what no one else feels

But I can’t keep hiding
From the hound of heaven
I lost my head when
You saw the look on my face
Of true heartbreak
And your eyes glazed over
I was asking myself
If the world recovers
Track Name: Incessant Something
There’s so much time
For the quiet
There’s so much time
To let the moment die

There’s so much time
To recognize
I’ve lost so much time
That I tried to petrify

There’s so much time
To be still
But I spend my moment spoken
To keep from feeling unfulfilled

There’s so much time
To let you see
The bruisable parts of me
How unindifferent I really feel

The moment of my peace
Is never complete
But hummingly resigned
Non distinct in a chorus with other minds
The question never quits
The answer never ends
A star dies overnight
To recollect in a million lifetimes


There’s so much time for the quiet
But I find a sea inside my peace of mind
I hear the humming
Of that incessant something

Do we ever realize life while we live it?
Every minute to be alive; to spend and waste time
Track Name: Reanimation
My end and my essence
What when the light leaves my eyes?
What of me without my pain?
What does it mean to reanimate?
Can a painting exist without its paint?

Me and meanness
I go as long as I can before I submit
To the truth that I know
but won’t admit
Though I try I can’t escape
The allegory of a cave

Will some book ever close?
And reach the last refrain
Where I wax and wane
Or remain the same;
Return to the ocean
Fan into flame

I may be
Just a bitch in heat
But I’ll spend my blood
On a baby not yet there
In hope I can conceive

Will some book ever close?
And reach the last refrain
Where I wax and wane
Or remain the same
Return to the ocean; fan into flame

The wild thyme unseen
The opaque unease
If to be warmed, I must freeze
In my end is my beginning
Reanimation’s the death of me
Not lost, but requiring
Track Name: Landlocked Conch Shell
I don’t know why I believe
That the world without a man
Would still have the look
Of being looked at

If all the ground is flesh
And ocean is your blood
I always knew you
But I don’t think I understood

I’m a landlocked conch shell
Carrying the sound of the waves,
I hear the ocean in myself
But I can’t reach the place
That always led me on
For proof of the dawn
I could never find
During the night

I die to find your face
I try to defy your grace
The higher the climb
The higher the ledge
The more I give
The sweeter the death

What if I told you
The same Lazarus
Christ resurrected
Had died again?

Would being here at all
Be all you needed all along
Or would you still require
Some greater miracle?

So now I know the price of love:
A descending dove
That always leads to a death
To reveal life to live
But brings me back to the thought
Of if I’ll be caught when I fall
Of if my wonder outweighs
My desire to escape my pain

I die to find your face
I try to defy your grace
The higher the climb
The higher the ledge
The more I give
The sweeter the death